A Modest Proposal: Redux

For Alleviating the Burden of Inflated Costs on the Middle Class and Affording the Unhoused a Chance at Greater Purpose

It is with an increasingly heavy heart - and a much lighter wallet - that I observe the burgeoning dual crises afflicting our great nation: the relentless growth of the unhoused population and the equally ravenous inflation that has rendered a pound of beef the modern equivalent of a family heirloom. To see these twin plagues gnawing at the very marrow of our society is to realize that bold, even unpalatable, solutions are called for. If the hand-wringing classes prefer to avert their gaze, so be it. I shall not.

You’ve no doubt seen the grim headlines: homelessness rising to a dubious historical zenith while housing costs and grocery prices soar to infinity and beyond. It doesn’t take an advanced degree in economics to see that the problems in question are inextricably intertwined. Neither can be solved without absolution from the other, nor can either be described without reference to the corollary. The huddled masses, starved for answers, yearn for a resolution, a map through the wilderness of discontent to a table adorned with the horn of plenty.

Big, complex societal problems needn’t always require serpentine solutions. Here, Occam’s finely-honed razor can be employed with great utility. What I propose is simple, elegant, and quintessentially American, so I’ll cut to the chase (if not the bone): let us address the overabundance of the unhoused by transforming them into a viable food source for the overstressed middle class. Set aside your cries to “eat the rich” - a tiny minority with more than ample resources to fight back - and make it the great project of our time to eat poverty out of existence. In this way, we solve two problems at once - perhaps the only example in recent memory where trickle-down economics might finally work.

The logistics, I assure you, are both feasible and humane (if one can apply so temperate a term to such a ruthlessly practical scheme). Consider the benefits: our nation’s streets, choked with acrid drug-smoke, littered with tents and disillusionment, would once again be pristine, ready for the next boutique coffee shop or luxury loft development. The beleaguered taxpayer would no longer shoulder the burden of paying for shelters or soup kitchens, as the homeless would now have the dignity of contributing, quite literally, to the sustenance of society.

Naysayers will, of course, summon their usual chorus of objections. They will claim, as they always do, that the homeless are human beings deserving of compassion. But is it not more compassionate to positively integrate them into the very fabric of the nation? What better way to belong than to be served alongside mashed potatoes and a sensible red wine?

Indeed, such a plan has some tenuous precedent. Were not the bison of the Great Plains - a noble, majestic species - hunted to near extinction to feed the hungry American railway workforce? Did not the pioneers of this country, as they manifested destiny across our great land, turn every resource at their disposal into something useful? Why, then, should we balk at treating our surplus population - languishing miserably athwart our public spaces - as the renewable resource it so plainly is?

Some might question the culinary feasibility of this endeavor. Allow me to allay such concerns. With modern advancements in gastronomy, even the stringiest of specimens can be transformed into a mouth-watering delicacy. Any home cook armed with an Instant Pot could easily turn the most unkempt vagabond into an unctuous stew. And for those who object on aesthetic grounds, remember: sausage exists for a reason.

Of course, I am not without my magnanimity. This plan would not extend to all unhoused individuals. Exceptions must be made for those who demonstrate entrepreneurial spirit - those who in the interests of posterity are willing to sell their own premium cuts to the highest bidder, for example, or perhaps those who can market themselves as organic and grass-fed, or gluten-free and vegan. And let us not ignore the potential for women of child-bearing age to produce the most tender of delicacies: enfant du lait. Such innovation must be rewarded, not culled.

Naturally, I expect backlash from the moralists, who will clutch their pearls and declare this proposal barbaric. But barbarism, I dare say, is in the eye of the beholder. Is it not more barbaric to let the poor suffer extremes of addiction and mental illness on the streets of our cities, invisible except when inconveniencing one’s morning commute? Is it not barbaric to force families to choose between paying exorbitant housing costs and putting a nourishing dinner on the table?

In truth, what I propose is kin not to barbarism but to efficiency, a much-lauded virtue of the capitalist machine and the billionaires who pull its levers. If we are to live by the laws of supply and demand, let us do so fully and without hypocrisy. The homeless, after all, represent an untapped resource, one that grows only more abundant as wages stagnate and rents soar. Why waste such potential?

Friends - let us not shrink from the challenge before us. Let us embrace this opportunity to solve two crises with one inspired act of ingenuity. For those who still harbor doubts, I ask only this: the next time you pass a tent encampment or shop a grocery aisle bereft of affordable protein, the next time you scroll through Zillow looking at million-dollar dumps in bad neighborhoods or walk six blocks out of your way to avoid the addict-addled underpass near your office, ask yourself - why settle for half a solution when you can have the whole hog? Or, in this case, the whole human.